After 6 weeks they graduated me from the hospital. The checklist was satisfied saying that I could go home. There was something missing from the checklist: "Is the patient who he was before the brain injury?". Answer: No. I look the same, sound the same, speak the same. That is good enough right? Just get things back to normal ASAP, which is a plan that I loved, but after 1.5 years, it just isn't going that way. Nobody has noticed: I'm not really me!
I am an impostor. I'm pretending to me so I can benefit from my family, friends, and everything that was called "me", before the medical event. None of it feels right, though. It doesn't taste right though, either. I got a brain injury, why do I have GI issues right along side with it? I don't eat the same stuff either. But I play along day after day, fooling everyone. It is the ultimate acting part even though I never got a single bit of training. Surely this impostor syndrome is part of recovery and will not be the new normal?
I want old and familiar, shunning "new". I want a place where nothing ever happens; shunning excitement. I want predictable and simple, shunning "surprises". I have tried everything to get back to the place where everything made sense and where I had a place and I was not an impostor. Time travel is not an option so I will keep persisting and embracing "the new normal", given that there seems to be no viable alternative. Maybe eventually I will like whoever I am now, because everyone else seems to.
Anyone else feel like a impostor in their own life?
Oh boy...I like how you wrote this. My husband says I am different, however, not that I am unacceptable. I can't do 8 things at one time, LIKE BEFORE; my hands affect my typing...I take A LOT longer; I'm not as quick of mind, but I can get by; I am definitely black and white and not nearing as gray LIKE BEFORE; I get super frustrated much more; THAN BEFORE; when talking intelligently; my brain FARTS...oh so embarrassing...I must sound really stupid. All I can do is keep going. Those that know me and love me apparently STILL do. I overheard my husband tell our priest one day, that I get frustrated, BUT never feel sorry for myself. That never was me. It actually made me feel good about myself, that he thinks that. Yes, even though everyone has different symptoms, we are all somewhat alike and connected. We didn't ask for ADEM, but like I have told everyone...I lost basically all use of my hands BUT now I can use them and I do everything again, maybe a little differently and my handwriting may stink, but there are a lot of people in this world MUCH WORSE OFF than me. I thank God, I am still the most of me! Lynn
Occipital - This is one of the most honest posts I've seen on this site - thank you for sharing! I'm a caretaker (my son had ADEM no me) so I can't exactly relate, but I do see my son working around his deficiencies. In school he is not the best reader or the fastest runner, but I see him slyly figuring out how he can make the most of a situation. He has the charisma and charm of Tom Sawyer, and I would not have said his about him pre-ADEM. Thanks for your honest post and good luck finding your balance. Ken
What I can say and I am speaking from a spouse's perspective, is that I truly believe my husband feels the same way you do. He wants so desperately to feel better, to feel like himself again. To not have to pretend to feel good when he doesn't. The hard part I believe is that everyone Does expect that as time goes by. They only see you from time to time or don't recognize there are differences so they assume that you are all well and good. Since he is older, I believe that his children who are young adults as well as my family and friends think that his behavior at times is just a part of him growing older. But living with this wonderful man that has changed and struggles every day just to get through some days is a burden we carry together. It is not easy for either of us. And sometimes I am not sure if I can keep going.. Then I stop and remind myself that He is the one having to deal on a daily basis with all the changes that have happened to his mind and body. It is EXACTLY like you described. It is like living a double life. The real one and the one that everyone from the outside sees. He definitely does not like the person he is now.
Occipital - This is one of the most honest posts I've seen on this site - thank you for sharing! I'm a caretaker (my son had ADEM no me) so I can't exactly relate, but I do see my son working around his deficiencies. In school he is not the best reader or the fastest runner, but I see him slyly figuring out how he can make the most of a situation. He has the charisma and charm of Tom Sawyer, and I would not have said his about him pre-ADEM. Thanks for your honest post and good luck finding your balance. Ken
This medical event has given me the chance to have a much nicer attitude, and I am really grateful for that.
Ken E. said:
Occipital - This is one of the most honest posts I've seen on this site - thank you for sharing! I'm a caretaker (my son had ADEM no me) so I can't exactly relate, but I do see my son working around his deficiencies. In school he is not the best reader or the fastest runner, but I see him slyly figuring out how he can make the most of a situation. He has the charisma and charm of Tom Sawyer, and I would not have said his about him pre-ADEM. Thanks for your honest post and good luck finding your balance. Ken
Nobody like a "Negative Nelly", right? Ought we really tell people how are nauseous and dizzy most of the time? It would make more sense to tell people when we are *not* feeling sick. It is bittersweet being grateful to be alive and having the love and support of really awesome family and friends all while finding my current configuration unacceptable. I like the quip "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?". The want to happy is starting to win in me, and I can't wait to accept the new normal! :)
Lotus said:
What I can say and I am speaking from a spouse's perspective, is that I truly believe my husband feels the same way you do. He wants so desperately to feel better, to feel like himself again. To not have to pretend to feel good when he doesn't. The hard part I believe is that everyone Does expect that as time goes by. They only see you from time to time or don't recognize there are differences so they assume that you are all well and good. Since he is older, I believe that his children who are young adults as well as my family and friends think that his behavior at times is just a part of him growing older. But living with this wonderful man that has changed and struggles every day just to get through some days is a burden we carry together. It is not easy for either of us. And sometimes I am not sure if I can keep going.. Then I stop and remind myself that He is the one having to deal on a daily basis with all the changes that have happened to his mind and body. It is EXACTLY like you described. It is like living a double life. The real one and the one that everyone from the outside sees. He definitely does not like the person he is now.